Pronouns & Politeness: Addressing Ladyboys in Thailand
Most travelers arrive in Thailand with good intentions and still manage to cause offence within the first five minutes of meeting a kathoey, simply because nobody told them which words to use. The stakes are higher than a social awkward moment. Using the wrong pronoun, the wrong label, or the wrong tone signals to a person that you see them as a category rather than an individual. This guide breaks down the language of respectful engagement, from the Thai pronouns ladyboys actually use for themselves, to the polite particles you should add at the end of every sentence, to the one word you should stop defaulting to in conversation. If you are serious about genuine, respectful interaction in Thailand, the language is the place to start.
Table of Contents
Quick Takeaways
Key Insight
Explanation
Default to she/her in English
Most kathoey present as female and expect to be addressed with feminine pronouns. Using "he" or "it" is considered disrespectful regardless of context.
"Sao praphet song" is the more affirming Thai label
This term, meaning "second-type female," signals that you understand and respect the person's feminine identity. Many kathoey prefer it over the word kathoey itself.
"Kathoey" is context-dependent
Used casually by Thai people, it can be neutral or affectionate, but tone matters enormously. A foreigner using it bluntly in a bar often reads as crass.
Thai first-person pronouns are gendered tools of identity
Ladyboys commonly use dichan (ดิฉัน) or nuu (หนู) to signal femininity. Listening to what pronoun someone uses for themselves tells you a great deal.
Add "kha" to your sentences when speaking Thai
The polite particle kha (ค่ะ/คะ) is used by female speakers. A man using kha to address a ladyboy signals warmth and recognition of her femininity.
Never ask about surgery or anatomy
It is considered deeply rude in Thai culture. Many kathoey view it as reducing their identity to their body, which is the opposite of respectful engagement.
When in doubt, use her name
Using a person's name directly as a reference is standard in Thai culture and sidesteps pronoun uncertainty gracefully without drawing attention to the ambiguity.
Understanding the Terminology: Kathoey, Ladyboy, and Sao Praphet Song
Before you can use respectful language, you need to understand why the terminology is not interchangeable. Each label carries a different implication about identity, and using them without awareness is one of the fastest ways to offend someone who would otherwise be happy to talk to you.
Kathoey (กะเทย, pronounced roughly "kat-hway") is the foundational Thai term. It refers to people assigned male at birth who present as transfeminine or effeminate. In Thailand, many kathoey are understood within a framework of a third gender rather than strictly as transgender women in the Western sense. That distinction matters because it means some kathoey do not identify primarily as women and would not want to be labelled as such.
Ladyboy is the English-language term most common among tourists and international visitors. It is widely understood in Thailand, but some individuals find it reductive or informal. It is more acceptable when used conversationally than when used as a direct form of address, meaning you can say "I met some ladyboys last night" but you should not walk up to someone and say "Hey, ladyboy."
Sao praphet song (สาวประเภทสอง), meaning "second-type female" or "a second kind of woman," is the label that many Thai transgender women actively prefer when they want to emphasise their feminine identity. A study of Thai transgender women found that most participants referred to themselves as phuying (ผู้หญิง, meaning "women"), with a minority using phuying praphet song and very few using kathoey. That data point deserves attention: the word foreigners reach for most often is the word the community itself uses least.
Pro tip: If you want to show genuine cultural awareness, learn to say "sao praphet song" before you get on the plane. Dropping it naturally into conversation signals that you did your homework, which immediately separates you from the average tourist who only knows the word "ladyboy."
Pronouns in English: The Default Should Be She and Her
For English-speaking visitors, the pronoun question is relatively straightforward in practice: use she and her unless you have a clear reason to do otherwise. The vast majority of kathoey you will encounter, especially in social settings, present as feminine and expect to be treated as women in conversation.
The error most visitors make is hesitating, then defaulting to "they" in a clumsy attempt to be safe, or worse, using "he" because of assumptions about biology. Both choices are usually wrong. "They" can feel dismissive to someone who has spent years building a clear feminine identity. "He" reads as a deliberate refusal to acknowledge that identity.
What to Do When You Are Not Sure
The most graceful move is to use her name. In Thai culture, using someone's first name directly as a self-reference or a way to refer to someone else in conversation is entirely normal and avoids the pronoun question altogether. If you do not know her name, ask. Asking someone's name is universally welcome. Asking which pronoun they prefer is also a perfectly polite option, but frame it gently: "How would you like me to address you?" or "What should I call you?" rather than a clumsy "What are your pronouns?" which can feel clinical and foreign in a Thai social context.
A common mistake is to ask the question loudly in a group setting, which puts the person on the spot in front of others. Ask quietly and directly, one to one, and the question will almost always be received warmly.
Avoiding Pronoun Slippage Mid-Conversation
Some visitors start well with "she" and then slip into "he" mid-sentence when describing something about the person's past or physical appearance. This is jarring and hurtful. Once you establish that you are using she/her, maintain it consistently throughout the conversation, regardless of what details come up.
Pro tip: If you slip up and use the wrong pronoun, correct yourself quickly and move on. A brief "sorry, I mean she" followed by continuing the conversation is far better than over-apologising for two minutes, which makes the moment much bigger and more uncomfortable for everyone.
Thai Pronouns and Identity: What Ladyboys Say About Themselves
Thai does not have gendered third-person pronouns in the same way English does. The word khao (เขา) is used for both "he" and "she," which means that in Thai conversation, the pronoun issue that foreigners wrestle with simply does not arise in the same form. What is deeply gendered in Thai, however, are the first-person pronouns, and these are where identity is signalled clearly and deliberately.
Male speakers typically use phom (ผม). Female speakers use chan (ฉัน) or the more formal dichan (ดิฉัน). There is also nuu (หนู), a softer, more modest first-person pronoun associated with femininity and youth.
How Kathoey Use Thai First-Person Pronouns
Research published through Chulalongkorn University found that kathoey commonly use both dichan and nuu as their first-person pronouns, mirroring the usage of women. The same research found that dichan in particular functions as a marker of femininity among kathoey, used to "represent their femininity" and to index themselves as women in conversation. This is a deliberate linguistic choice, not an accident of habit.
What this means for you as a visitor is practical: listen to how a person refers to themselves. If she uses dichan or nuu, she is communicating her gender identity through her language. Using those same feminine registers back to her, even just by using kha at the end of your sentences, confirms that you received the message.
Language is not just communication in this context. It is recognition. When you use the right words, you are telling someone that you see them for who they are, not for what you assumed they were before they spoke.
The Word Kathoey as a Self-Reference
Some kathoey use the word kathoey about themselves, sometimes affectionately and sometimes simply as a matter of fact. Others actively reject the label because it implies a third-gender status rather than a fully female one. You should not use kathoey as a direct address or as a descriptor unless the person has used it about herself first. Even then, follow her lead with caution. The word carries different weight depending on who says it and in what tone.
Polite Particles: Kha and Krub in Practice
Thai sentence-ending particles are one of the most important and most underused tools available to respectful visitors. Adding krub (ครับ) or kha (ค่ะ/คะ) to the end of a sentence signals politeness, warmth, and respect. These particles are so embedded in Thai social life that speaking without them sounds blunt, and sometimes rude, to Thai ears.
The gendered split works like this: male speakers use krub, female speakers use kha. As a male visitor, you will naturally default to krub. That is fine. The key is to use it at all, because many foreigners simply do not bother, which makes them sound abrupt in interactions where courtesy matters.
Kha as a Signal of Recognition
Some male visitors choose to use kha when speaking directly to or about a kathoey as a deliberate signal of recognition of her feminine identity. This is not a standard rule, and it is not expected, but it is understood and appreciated in the right context. Think of it as a gesture of affirmation rather than a grammatical requirement. Do not do it if it feels forced or performative, but if it comes naturally in a warm, respectful context, it lands well.
The Thailand Foundation notes that kha "is so hard-wired into Thai people" as a marker of politeness and respect that its absence is conspicuous. For visitors, using it consistently is one of the lowest-effort, highest-impact things you can do to signal that you are a respectful guest.
Pro tip: Practice saying khob khun kha (thank you, feminine form) before arriving in Thailand. It is a small thing, but using feminine polite particles naturally when speaking to or about a kathoey signals awareness that most tourists never demonstrate.
Comparison: Three Approaches to Addressing Ladyboys in Thailand
Approach
What It Looks Like in Practice
How It Is Received
The Tourist Default
Uses "ladyboy" as a noun of address, defaults to "he" or "they," avoids polite particles, treats the interaction as a novelty
Tolerated but not welcomed. Signals low cultural awareness. Unlikely to lead to genuine connection.
The Considerate Visitor
Uses "she/her" in English, adds krub or kha to Thai sentences, avoids intrusive questions, asks for names before labels
Received warmly. Signals basic respect. Opens the door to authentic interaction.
The Culturally Literate Guest
Knows the difference between kathoey, sao praphet song, and phuying. Uses the person's preferred self-reference, follows the other person's linguistic lead, understands the third-gender framework without imposing Western trans identity labels
Genuinely appreciated. Rare enough among foreigners that it makes a strong impression. Leads to real conversation.
The gap between the first approach and the third is not large in terms of effort. It is mostly a matter of preparation and attention. Visitors who read before they arrive and listen when they get there naturally end up in the third category.
Common Mistakes That Signal Disrespect
Knowing what not to do is as important as knowing the right words. The following mistakes are common enough among foreign visitors that they are worth naming directly.
Referring to Someone as "It"
This happens more often than it should, sometimes out of confusion and sometimes out of cruelty. Using "it" to refer to any person, including a kathoey, is dehumanising in any cultural context. There is no scenario where this is acceptable. If you do not know what pronoun to use, use her name.
Speculating Loudly About Whether Someone "Is" a Ladyboy
A common tourist behaviour in Thailand involves pointing at, whispering about, or openly debating whether a person is kathoey. This is rude for the same reason it would be rude in any other context: you are treating a real person as a puzzle to be solved for your entertainment. If you are curious, engage with the person directly and respectfully. Do not make them an object of your curiosity from a distance.
Using "Ladyboy" as a Direct Address
Saying "hey ladyboy" or "excuse me, ladyboy" as a way of getting someone's attention is the equivalent of calling someone by a category label rather than treating them as a person. Use "khun" (คุณ), the Thai honorific equivalent of Mr./Ms./Mrs., or simply ask for her name. Khun is gender-neutral and universally respectful in Thai social settings.
Importing Western Trans Language Without Context
Some visitors, trying to be progressive, impose Western transgender terminology onto kathoey identity in ways that do not fit. Not every kathoey identifies as a trans woman in the Western sense. Some understand their identity through the framework of a Thai third gender, which is a culturally distinct concept with its own history. Assuming that Western labels map cleanly onto Thai identities shows a different kind of disrespect, the kind that comes from assuming your framework is universal.
Pro tip: The safest and most respectful approach when you are uncertain is to follow the other person's lead. The language someone uses to describe themselves is the language you should use to describe them. It really is that simple.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is the word "ladyboy" offensive in Thailand?
It depends heavily on context and tone. As a general descriptor, it is widely understood and used in Thailand, including by some kathoey themselves. As a direct form of address, or when used with a mocking or dismissive tone, it becomes offensive. The safest rule is to use it as you would any other label: about someone in general conversation, not at someone as a substitute for their name.
Should I use she/her pronouns for every kathoey I meet?
In the vast majority of social situations, yes. Most kathoey present as feminine and expect to be addressed with feminine pronouns in English. There are exceptions, specifically individuals who identify with a third-gender framework rather than a female one, but using she/her as your default and adjusting if someone indicates otherwise is the right starting position.
What is the difference between kathoey and sao praphet song?
Kathoey is the broader, older Thai term that can encompass transgender women, effeminate gay men, and people understood as a third gender. Sao praphet song specifically emphasises a female identity, translating as "second-type female." Many Thai transgender women who wish to foreground their femininity prefer sao praphet song because it does not carry the third-gender implication that kathoey does. When in doubt, sao praphet song is the more affirming choice.
Do I need to learn Thai pronouns to be respectful?
You do not need fluency, but you should understand how Thai first-person pronouns work. Knowing that dichan (ดิฉัน) and nuu (หนู) are feminine self-reference terms means you will recognise how a person is identifying themselves when they speak. You should also use the polite particles krub or kha in any Thai phrase you attempt, as omitting them sounds rude regardless of what you actually say.
What should I do if I accidentally use the wrong pronoun?
Correct yourself briefly and move on. Say something like "sorry, I mean she" and continue the conversation without making a prolonged apology. Over-apologising draws more attention to the mistake and makes the other person feel obliged to manage your discomfort, which is the opposite of respectful. A clean, quick correction is always the better move.
Is it appropriate to ask a kathoey about their gender directly?
Asking how someone would like to be addressed is perfectly appropriate and is almost always appreciated. What is not appropriate is asking about surgery, hormones, or physical anatomy. Those questions are intrusive in any cultural context. Frame your curiosity around language and address, not around the body.
How do Thai people generally use gender-neutral language?
Thai does not have gendered third-person pronouns, making the language naturally more flexible than English in some ways. The honorific "khun" is gender-neutral and appropriate for anyone. In formal or uncertain situations, using someone's first name directly as a form of address, which is entirely normal in Thai culture, sidesteps gendered language altogether without signalling any awkwardness.
Have you navigated the language of respectful interaction with kathoey in Thailand? Share what worked for you, or what you wish you had known before your first conversation.
References
Wikipedia overview of kathoey identity, terminology, and cultural context in Thailand
Bangkok After Dark guide to respectful interaction with kathoey including language and address tips
Thailand Foundation explanation of the polite particles krub and kha in Thai social life
Write Inclusion factsheet on kathoey identity and the use of terms like phuying and sao praphet song
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